Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
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Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
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Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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