Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
