I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
