She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
