maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
