I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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