he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
