After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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