Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
