my vag is so smooth its legendary
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
