remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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