i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Ladies don't puke and tell
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
