god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
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She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
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Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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