And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
