I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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