i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
