Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
