I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Randomize
