non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
