I think my fart just growled at me.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
