I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
