how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
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He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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