Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Sorry about my life...
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
