I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
