im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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