I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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