Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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