For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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