I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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