If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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