i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
