Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
