"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
It's never too late to be topless.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
