My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
