great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
The air was thick with penises
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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