3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
