My friends, they love my intelligence
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Four minutes until I can fart!
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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