is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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