Your face is a jimmy john
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
