Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
