he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
