I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
