Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
