I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
