my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
