I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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