I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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