Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
