hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
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I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
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All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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