he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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