MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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