I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
