If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
