my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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