I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
