Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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